status updates for mommy

Sometimes, I wish my mom just operated on the basis of status updates. She is slowly getting into texting. She sends me a paragraph and I humbly return her never-ending queries with
" I'm alive."

Status Updates Since My Mother Became My Facebook Friend.

BY SCOTT A. HARRIS

Scott is making good, well informed decisions.

Scott is going to bed at a very reasonable hour.

Scott is drinking only on occasion, and even then it's just one or two.

Scott quit smoking several months ago without any apparent difficulty.

Scott is in no way involved, currently nor in the past, with a married woman, regardless of what anyone is saying.

Scott is making large, regular contributions to his savings account.

Scott is making yet another home cooked meal, avoiding fast food as usual.

Scott is no longer in debt like he used to be...boy that would be terrible.

Scott is in no way affected by the current economic downturn...everything is a-okay.

Scott is not gaining weight, and his clothes fit just fine.

VIA mcsweeneys