Now that's CRM

Another great one from the webpages of Mcsweeneys:

HAPPY SLAPPY FUN TIME CUSTOMER SURVEY.

BY CORY KOLLER

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Thank you for enjoying an evening of fine dining and entertainment at Happy Slappy Fun Time family restaurant. Please take a moment to answer this short customer survey. Your feedback is extremely valuable in improving our business.

1. Please rate the food quality of your meal from one (excellent) to ten (horrible).

2. Please rate the "fun level" of our entertainment from one to ten.

3. Please rate your slap from one to ten.

4. Did you know the slap was coming?

5. Was the force of the slap to your liking?

6. If you answered "no" to the previous question, in what way was the slap unsatisfactory? Please be extremely specific.

7. Please rate the forcefulness of your slap from one to ten, one being the white glove of an English dandy; ten being mixed martial arts sensation Kitanoumi's "Godzilla Kiss."

8. Were you slapped while eating a pizza?

9. Were you slapped with a pizza?

10. If you answered "no" to the previous question, were you slapped with any entrée from our dinner menu?

11. Are there any food items you would like to see on our menu or be slapped with in the future?

12. Were you slapped by an employee? If so, was he wearing a small bowler hat in addition to our trademark green vest and spinning bowtie?

13. If you answered "yes" to the previous question, Happy Slappy Fun Time is obliged to inform you that the slapper in question is not an employee; he just comes in to slap.

14. Were you slapped by one of the animatronic clowns?

15. If you answered "yes" to the previous question, which one of their pre-recorded catch phrases lured you in?

16. Please rate our slapping value for the dollar from one to ten.

Thank you for completing this customer survey. As a token of our appreciation, please find a coupon printed below entitling you to 10% off your next visit to our new sister restaurant, Yummy Jolly Roundhouse Kick Town.